im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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