Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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