we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
