Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
