I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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