put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
