I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
