I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
