you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize