Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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