Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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