Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
