There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize