What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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