textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
