Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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