Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
