ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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