Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
