I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
