I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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