Got a toothbrush?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They took my balls.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
