my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
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