That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
