Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
