Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
time to smoke my breakfast
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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