We won't sleep together?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
