Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
