there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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