if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
