3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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