So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
