The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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