is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
