She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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