i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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