am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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