Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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