wanna go halves on a baby?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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