Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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