Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
