We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
