life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
