This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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