Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
