I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
