you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize