if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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