And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
