I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think a kid would responsible me up
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
