So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Bring me that man meat
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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