i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
