You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
