How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
