dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
