At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my poor anus
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
