I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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