did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
