im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
