Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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