Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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